There’s a question that keeps arising in my heart that has caused me to examine myself. It’s a question that drives me to anxiety, to guilt, even to desperation. It’s something I think we all struggle with at some point as men and women, but as a young woman who professes Christ Jesus as Lord and Saviour and my reason for living, it is a question that I am supposed to, and in a way, already know the answer to.
So what is my purpose?
I’ve figured out that truly my biggest fear, even over torture or starvation, is purposelessness. The dangers in fearing this is twofold; I am worrying over whether or not God ultimately has a purpose for my life, which I know He does (The Great Commission Mark 16:15), and also the fact that this rather self-focused and irrational fear is the umbrella which feeds into other poisonous fears. I fear rejection, I fear loss. I fear loneliness, I fear apathy. I fear not being needed. I fear going through life without things, which will ultimately fade, to give me a purpose.
And this fear is deep set into every hidden place in my heart in which sin resides and reigns. This cycle of fear and sinfulness causes me to fall headfirst into the sea of guilt that Satan so desires to see us drown slowly in. I feel guilt over the fact that I do not always trust in the promises of the faithful God. I feel ashamed that other Christians all over the planet are being beaten, driven to starvation, murdered even all because they profess in the one God, while I cry out in anguish over feelings of confusion or uncertainty about my comfortable and cushioned life filled with blessings. My guilt very often turns into shame, which more often than not tends to more sin rather than repentance. After feeding into this treacherous cycle, I find myself completely in the dark, blinded and deafened to the voice of God and ripe for spiritual attacks from the Enemy who, in moments like this, attempts to whisper some nonsense into my ear how I would be better off dead. As a sidenote, I believe that demons have an idea of what kinds of attacks work on different people since their mission is causing as many to stumble as possible, but sometimes, where people are driven to desperation, they will plant as many evil thoughts and temptations as possible to see what sticks.
And to think that this whole cycle started with one question… but truly the problem is not the question. The problem lies in whom I am asking.
I know there is One who is able to answer my wandering soul’s deepest questions, One who is able to cleanse my heart and scrape away the grime of my deceitful and wicked nature and replace the darkness with a pure and holy light. It is the perfect, spotless lamb, Christ Himself. So when I begin to walk towards this destructive path, I must examine myself and look to my true reason for living, my Lord. In the words of the great King David,
Have mercy on me, O God according to your steadfast love..
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgement.
Behold I was brought forth in iniquity and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean; wash me and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me..
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
So what is my purpose?
My purpose is to be a vessel for God’s glory: A simple servant who heeds the Holy Spirit, a woman whose eyes are only for her Groom, a follower of Christ who examines her heart and refuses to just give into her flesh, a Christian who truly believes the authority of Scripture and all it says, and a believer who truly trusts God.
As I leave you to analyze your own life, I want to direct your focus to another Psalm (57). Pray along with David, use the Word of God to convict, guide, and encourage you. I pray you too, would come to the conclusion that your purpose is found in Christ alone.
Be merciful to me O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me, he will put to shame him who tramples on me. God will send out his steadfast love and faithfulness!